iKnow A Vampire
by UberVenkman
Summary: Buffy Summers goes to Seattle to handle a new vampire who is terrorizing the residents of Bushwell Plaza. And you'll never believe who the vampire is!
1. Wooden Steaks

**_In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer._**

* * *

><p>Carly and Freddie entered the hallway where their apartments were.<p>

"Well, iCarly's on tomorrow," Carly said.

"Yeah, I guess we'll work on planning tonight," Freddie said. He looked over at Carly's door and frowned. "Since when did Spencer become religious?" he asked, confused.

"Religious?" Carly asked. "Spencer's an atheist." She looked and saw a cross on the door.

"Umm, Spencer?" Carly called. "The door's locked and I forgot my key!"

"You can't get in, huh?" Spencer called. "That means I have to invite you in!"

"No, just unlock the door!" Carly yelled.

Spencer opened the door quickly enough for the cross to hit Carly smack in the forehead. Carly fell back into Freddie's arms.

"Are you ok?" Freddie said. He paused. "Do you need some huggin' from Freddie?"

Carly got up and glared at him.

"Sorry," he said, scratching his head.

Spencer poked his head through the door. "Ah-hah!" he yelled. "The cross injured you! That means you're…"

Carly pushed passed him and into the apartment.

"…not a vampire," said Spencer, disappointed. Freddie followed him inside.

"I thought that door opened inwards," Freddie said, frowning.

"I modified it," Spencer said, holding up a wrench. "Now it can be opened both ways so I can hit it against someone if I think they're a vampire."

"Ya hit me," Carly groaned, feeling her head. "Why in the world would I be a vampire?"

Spencer ran over to the computer and showed them what was in the Seattle Times.

"A mysterious serial killer is on the loose in Seattle," Carly read. "According to the police report, his victims have been found drained of their blood. The killer's mark is reportedly 2 marks on the neck of his/her victim."

"So you think it's someone like that vampire girl Harmony Kendall on _Harmony Bites_, right?" Freddie asked.

"No!" Spencer yelled. "Harmony Kendall's too hot to be this vampire! We're looking at something much worse than that!"

"I think vampires are pretty cool," Carly said, grabbing a carrot and some whipped cream from the fridge.

"Yeah, well my girlfriend turned out to be a vampire, and it's not funny to have her try to bite you every time you go out to dinner!" Spencer groaned. "Vampires may be cool to everyone else, but I think I'm a pro-slayer."

"You? A pro?" Freddie asked. He and Carly started to laugh.

Spencer glared at him. "Anyway," he said. "One of the slayers was supposed to come by today, but she got ambushed by a bunch of vampire worshippers. She's disappeared."

"So you're protecting yourself from vampires in case they come by and try to kill you," Carly said. She took a look around. There were several crosses on the walls of the Shay apartment, and several steaks. "What's with the steaks?"

"I couldn't find any wooden ones," Spencer replied.

"You're supposed to get a wooden stake!" Freddie groaned, pulling sirloin off the wall. "S-T-A-K-E. Not S-T-E-A-K."

"Oh," said Spencer. "In that case, I'll just cook these for dinner."

"Let me in!" Sam called from outside the door.

"Don't let her in!" Spencer yelled, grabbing a cross. "She could be a vampire!"

"Come on in!" Carly called, ignoring Spencer.

"I can't!" Sam yelled. "The door's locked."

Spencer gave a grim smile, and he went over to the door. He opened it and let Sam in.

Sam began to walk over to the kitchen, but stopped. "Umm...what up with the steaks?"

"Spencer didn't know that you're supposed to use wooden stakes to fight off vampires," Carly said.

"Wooden steaks?" Sam asked. "Ew. I bet they're not even edible."


	2. Alleyway

"Sam, wake up!" Carly said, tapping Sam's eyelids.

"Go away," Sam mumbled. "I'm dreaming that I've eaten just about every steak in the world."

"That wasn't a dream," Spencer called from the kitchen. "That was me cooking you a lot of steaks! Anyone for fifths?"

"ME!" Sam yelled, waking up. "I'll have it rare!"

"You know that if you eat rare steak you increase your chances of getting a ring worm?" Freddie asked, as he cut a piece from his filet mignon.

"You know that if you don't shut up now you increase your chances of me giving you a good nose job?" Sam asked.

"Yeah," Freddie said.

"Me too," Sam said, falling back on the couch.

"You guys sure know how to handle those situations," Spencer said.

"What can I say?" Freddie said, knowing on his steak. "I actually published an online document called, 'How to Handle Mistress Puckett'."

"Mistress?" Sam asked.

"It sounds polite," Freddie said.

"OK!" Spencer yelled. "One rare steak for Samantha Puckett on the plate!

Sam excitedly began to stuff her mouth with the steak.

"You eat like a pig," Freddie said.

"Watch your mouth, Benson."

"Sorry."

"Well, it's 8:30," said Spencer. "You guys should go upstairs and start rehearsing."

"I'm gonna take a walk," said Freddie. "I need to burn off the energy the steak gave me."

"I'll join ya," said Sam.

"Fine with me," Freddie shrugged.

The 2 frenemies left.

"Those 2 have been cooperating a lot more lately," Spencer said, crossing his arms.

"Yeah," Carly said. "Sometimes opposites attract."

"Literally," Spencer added.

The 2 looked at each other. "Gross," they both said.

* * *

><p>"Got dark fast," Freddie said.<p>

"You know, it's around this hour that those vamp people start attacking," Sam said, shuddering.

"Yeah, we should probably get back to Bushwell," Freddie said, scratching his head.

"I know a shortcut," Sam said, pulling Freddie towards an alleyway.

But when they got in, the decision was immediately regretted. The alleyway was dark and creepy.

"Maybe we should take the other way," Freddie said, biting his nails.

"Don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

"Bite your nails. It disgusts me."

"It's a nervous habit!"

"Your face is a nervous habit."

Freddie frowned. "Face, huh?" he said, looking around. Suddenly he was feeling a bit ill.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked.

"The face thing," Freddie said. "Remember what Spencer said about the vampires?"

"What about them?"

"He said their faces look disgusting."

"Really? Hey, you guys could be best friends!"

Freddie glared at Sam.

"Sorry," she said, looking around.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Spencer, check ZapMail news," Carly said.<p>

"What's wrong?" Spencer asked.

"The Seattle Police Department just issued a warning; it's recommended that no one goes out tonight, and especially not go into alleyways."

"Why?"

"Because they just got a call from a guy named Robson in England. He's part of a pro-vampire slayer organization called the Watchers' Council. They've confirmed that vampires are at large in Seattle. And after that incident involving some seed...vampires are kinda not happy with humans."

"But Freddie and Sam…"

Carly grabbed her phone and dialed Freddie.

* * *

><p>"Hello?" Freddie asked.<p>

"Freddie?" Carly's voice was on the line. "Listen, you've got to get back to Bushwell."

"Why?" Freddie asked.

"There are vampires on the streets. The police need everyone to get off the streets and into their homes, and stay out of dark alleyways."

"Now you tell me," Freddie groaned. "We're lost, and we're stuck in a dark alleyway, and…" he stopped and stared in horror. "No…" he started to say.

* * *

><p>There was a loud scream, so loud that even Spencer could hear it.<p>

"What's going on?" he said.

Carly heard the phone crack and a loud thud. She hung up.

"Carly, what's wrong?" Spencer asked, a little worried.

"It's the vampires," Carly said, breathing deeply. "They got Freddie."


	3. The Slayer

"D'you think crosses can be used as wooden stakes?" Carly asked, pulling a cross off the wall.

"No…" Spencer said. "At least, I don't know, but the crosses alone would probably be a good idea."

Carly grabbed a bag and threw several crosses into it. "Well, if we can't stake 'em, we might as well scare them."

"Why not say "scare 'em,"?" Spencer asked.

"What?"

"You said 'em with stake, so why not say 'em with scare?"

"SPENCER!"

"Sorry."

* * *

><p>Carly and Spencer walked downstairs.<p>

"HEY!" Lewbert yelled. "Whyya leaving my lobby?"

"Freddie and Sam got attacked by vampires!" Carly said. "We're going to try to save them!"

"There you go again with the thems!" Spencer complained. "What happened to…"

"SHUT UP!"

"Vampires, huh?" Lewbert said, skeptical. "You expect me to believe that?"

"No," Carly said, tossing him a cross. "Have a nice day."

* * *

><p>The 2 siblings walked around the empty streets, full of the demons of darkness.<p>

"They're eyeing us," Spencer said nervously.

Carly handed him a cross. Spencer held it up. A vampire that had been approaching them backed away slowly.

"I wonder where they all came from?" Carly wondered aloud. "They just popped out of nowhere."

"We migrated," a vampire in a dark coat called from behind a dumpster. "We needed fresh blood."

"Gross," Carly said.

"Eh, wouldya believe it," the vampire said, agreeing.

"We're talking to an undead person," Spencer said, snickering.

The vampire snarled and charged at him. Spencer held his cross in front of him.

The vampire looked at Spencer's neck and the cross. "All right," he said. "You win this round, but just you wait. We're gonna take over Seattle with a powerful weapon."

"What powerful…?" Carly asked, but the vampire clearly didn't wanna stick around. Not wanting to be attacked by a group of vampires, Carly and Spencer walked away.

* * *

><p>"We've been looking around for an hour," Spencer moaned, stumbling.<p>

"10 minutes," Carly corrected.

"Well it feels like an hour!" Spencer added, letting out another moan.

"Can we eat this guy?" a vampire asked, walking up to Spencer, who was stumbling off path.

Carly rolled her eyes and held up the cross.

"Just checking," the vamp said, nervously coughing.

"Get up," Carly said, grabbing Spencer's collar. "Unless you want something on your neck."

"A hickey?"

"Shut up!"

* * *

><p>"Shush!" Carly said.<p>

"I didn't say anything!" Spencer complained.

"No, I meant listen!"

"But if you meant 'listen', then why did you say 'shush!'?"

"Because it sounds better!"

"But listen makes more sense!"

"Look, I don't feel like arguing," Carly said, groaning. "It's 12:30, and those vampires are bothering me. Now I forgot what I was talking about."

"Uh, right after the 'shush!' I think," Spencer said.

"Thank you," Carly said. "Shush!"

"But I didn't…"

"Listen!"

"Thank you," Spencer said, glad he wouldn't have to do another rerun of the Three Stooges.

Carly shushed him again. Spencer was wise enough to stay quiet.

The 2 peeked into an alleyway. They saw Freddie and Sam lying on the ground, motionless.

"Freddie!" Carly yelled loudly. A few vampires stirred, but ignored them.

Freddie blinked. "What did I…?" he began to ask.

Carly helped him up. "Are you all right?" she asked, although he clearly wasn't.

"Woozy," Freddie said. "I lost blood."

"Hey look, he's got a hickey!"

"SPENCER!"

"For a moment I thought you were dead," Carly said, giving him an unexpected hug.

"Were dead?" Freddie asked. Carly couldn't see his face, but she thought she heard something strange in his voice.

"GET BACK!" Spencer yelled. He grabbed a cross and held it against Freddie's face. Freddie howled in pain and Carly jumped back. She jumped back even further when she saw his face.

It was severely deformed, and 2 fangs protruded from his teeth. His eyes reeked with fury, and smoke was bellowing off of where Spencer has placed the cross.

"You look disgusting!" Carly said, panting heavily.

"I prefer the term handsome," Freddie replied, smiling as best as he could.

"It looks like you had a bad makeup job," Carly added.

Freddie felt his face. "Nah, I'd say bad plastic surgery," he said, tapping his fangs. "But seriously, I'm not dead; I'm undead."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Spencer cackled inappropriately. Carly and Freddie glared at him, and he immediately stopped laughing.

"Anyway, nothing's stopping me from enjoying a nice meal," Freddie said, smiling again, approaching Carly.

Carly held up the cross.

"Lovely stuff, those crosses," Freddie said. "Makes me think of Jesus. However, do you really think one cross is gonna stop a whole army of vampires?"

Several vampires, realizing the logic in his voice, approached the alleyway. Before Spencer could say, "Let go of my long staff!" a whole army of vampires had circled him.

"Why'd you just say, 'Let go of my long staff!'?" Carly asked.

"Uh…"

"Forget the long staff!" Freddie hissed. "Anyway, even a bag full of crosses won't stop us all."

"How about a slayer?" a voice asked. Without warning, one of the vampires crumbled to dust.

"A slayer," Freddie said, glaring towards something standing right outside the alleyway. "I should've known; you just dusted one of us."

"I'd call that pretty unprepared," the voice said. It was coming from behind Carly and Spencer, but they didn't feel like turning to see who it was without getting bitten.

"Think of what I could do to you all," the voice added.

Freddie groaned, and his face returned to it's normal state. He glared at Carly and Spencer. "Fine then. For now you get the night off. But just you wait, because no one can stop all of us; not even the slayer." And without a word, he ran off, along with the other vampires.

"Wait, did he just say…?" Carly began to ask, turning around, and saw a blonde girl carrying a crossbow and several wooden stakes.

"Well, when he said the slayer, he was kinda wrong," the girl said. "Because there's more than one slayer now. There used to be only one, but…long story."

"Who are you?" Spencer asked. "And why are you so hot?"

"I'm Buffy: The Vampire Slayer," the girl said, smiling. "And unless you want a broken arm, I suggest you take that comment back."


	4. Deadly Conversations

"Wait…so, you're the slayer?" Carly asked.

"Well…" Buffy said. "Used to be. Originally, if a slayer died, a new one took her place; but then I died, so a new one became the slayer, but then I came back to life, so there were 2 slayers for a while before my friend Willow made every single potential slayer a slayer."

"Say wha?" Spencer asked, still eyeing Buffy.

Buffy muttered something explicit, and in a few seconds Spencer was lying on his back in pain.

"You gave me a back flip!" he moaned.

"Duh," both Buffy and Carly said, rolling their eyes.

"Anyway," said Buffy. "You guys should go over to Bushwell Plaza."

"Wait, how do you…"

"Hey, just because I slay vampires doesn't mean I don't watch iCarly."

"True," Spencer said.

"Wait…" Carly said, looking around. "Shouldn't we get help for Sam, too?"

"I'll carry," Spencer said, trying to lift Sam up. He failed miserably.

"Oh, for god's sake," Buffy groaned. She lifted Sam up with only one arm and helped them get her to the hospital.

* * *

><p>"Say, can I bunk with you guys?" Buffy asked as they approached towards Bushwell Plaza.<p>

"Yes!" Spencer said, a little too quickly.

Buffy and Carly looked at him.

"What?" he asked innocently. "It was an act of kindness."

"HELP!" someone screamed.

Carly, Spencer, and Buffy ran into the lobby. Lewbert was doing his best to fend off a vampire that was trying to bite him.

Buffy grabbed her stake and stuck it through the vampire's back.

"Ouch," the vampire said as he disintegrated.

"BLECH!" Lewbert coughed. "Vamp dust! I hate it!"

"Yeah, you'll get used to it," Buffy said. She tossed Lewbert a stake. "If another one comes by, you know what to do, right?"

Lewbert looked at his stake. "I think I do," he said.

"How did that vamp get in here?" Carly asked, looking around. "This is a building that people live in. Doesn't he have to be invited in?"

Spencer looked around. "There's a sign on the door that invites all to come in," he said, pointing to the door.

"You might want to take that sign down," Buffy said.

"I'll buy a wrench in the morning," Lewbert said, leaning back in his chair.

"You do that," Carly said.

* * *

><p>"I see you're protected," Buffy said, looking at the cross that was still hanging on the door of the Shay apartment.<p>

"Eh," Spencer said. He felt his pockets. "Rats," he groaned. "I left my keys in the kitchen."

"I'll handle this," Buffy said.

"What are you gonna do, break the door down?" Spencer asked skeptically.

There was a loud crash, and the door was on the floor.

"Yup," Buffy said.

"Ack," Spencer said, pulling the door back into its place.

"Is there anything you want to eat?" Carly asked. "We've got…"

"Steak," Buffy said, sniffing. "You've got steak." And she sniffed the air again.

"Yeah…" Carly said, gritting her teeth. "A little bit of wordplay."

"Well, I'll take steak," Buffy said.

"Ok then," Spencer said, letting go of the door. There was a big crash and Spencer was under the collapsed door.

"Could someone get the tool chest?" Spencer called.

* * *

><p>Soon, the door was back where it should be.<p>

"You are so weak," Carly said.

"Are you a cook?" Buffy asked as she swallowed.

"Sort of," Spencer said. "I'm more of an artist."

"Hmm," Buffy said. "You know, vampires like cooks."

"They do?" Spencer said. "Maybe I could get a following from them."

"Nooo," Buffy said slowly. "I mean they literally like cooks. Like them…you know."

Spencer squeaked and ran into his room.

"He just sounded like Arnie Grape," Buffy said.

"Who?"

"Nothing. Just a guy from...my time."

There was a very loud scream of horror, and they jumped. Spencer ran out of his room.

"What was that?" he yelled.

"It was a scream! Duh!" Carly replied.

"Ok," Spencer said, calming down.

"It came from the apartment across the hall," Buffy said, running towards the door. There was a crash, and the door had fallen outwards.

Spencer rolled his eyes as Buffy ran towards the other apartment.

"Holy s**t!" Buffy yelled.

Carly and Spencer ran to see what she had cursed about.

* * *

><p>"These sewers suck," Freddie said, looking around.<p>

"Get used to them," Grush said. "You're gonna be staying in 'em during the day. We can't risk going outside."

"What, isn't there some sort of thing you can use to protect ourselves from turning to dust?" Freddie asked.

"There used to be," Grush said, groaning. "They called it the Gem of Amarra. Unfortunately, some vamp named Angel destroyed it."

"A vampire destroyed something that could make him invincible?" Freddie asked, raising an eyebrow, which wasn't easy to do when you're in a vamp face.

"He had a soul," Grush replied. "That means he was only a few steps away from being human. Sure, he drank blood, but he had to live with murders he had committed over 300 years."

"What does living with a soul again feel like?" Freddie asked.

"How should I know? I've never gotten a soul. But," Grush said, frowning. "Those who do get their soul back describe the pain of killing innocent people. It haunts them for the rest of their…ah….life."

"I wonder if I could get my soul," Freddie wondered.

Grush glared at him. "If you did that, you wouldn't be one of us," he growled. "Besides, that's impossible now. The slayer destroyed the Seed of Wonder, which means there's no magic in the world. When there's no magic, there's no reensoulment spell."

Freddie looked in the water. He could see no reflection. "Pity," he said, giving a wry smile. "I guess I'll never see how attractive I am ever again."

Grush rolled his eyes. "You might as well head to your apartment," he said. "Your mom doesn't know you're a vamp yet. Who knows? Maybe you can turn her into one."

"One last thing," Freddie said. "Are there any more gems of Amarra?"

Grush looked around to make sure no one was listening. "Yes," he said. "But they're very hard to find. If you want one, check eBay." He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a sheet. "Eat this," he said. "It doesn't taste good, but it's blessed; it contains enough info you need to know about what's happened in the vamp world for the past 15 years."

* * *

><p>Freddie walked into Bushwell Plaza.<p>

"HEY, YOU!" Lewbert yelled. "What are you doing out so late?"

"Doin' stuff," Freddie replied.

"Huh," Lewbert said. "Well, don't let it bother you."

Freddie grinned. Lewbert moved back a few feet. There was something wrong with that grin, but he didn't let it on.

"Have a nice day," he said nervously.

* * *

><p>Freddie walked up to his front door. He looked at it up and down. He knocked.<p>

"WHOSE THERE?" Mrs. Benson yelled, opening the door.

"It's me," Freddie said awkwardly.

"Oh," Mrs. Benson said. "Come inside!"

"My pleasure," Freddie replied, stepping in.

"I pounded your fruit with a mallet for your fruit sauce," Mrs. Benson said.

"Mom," Freddie said. "I think it's time you learned something."

"Did that Carly girl kiss you again?"

"NO! Can't you let it go?"

"I can't; she got her germs all over you!"

"Anyway, here's what I needed to tell you," Freddie said. "YOU ARE A TERRIBLE MOTHER."

Mrs. Benson stepped back slowly.

"You spray me too much, and you annoy me too much," Freddie continued. "You're better off dead."

"Freddie, you're scaring me," Mrs. Benson said, swallowing.

"Wanna see something really scary?" Freddie asked.

"Don't say 'wanna'," Mrs. Benson snapped. "I…" she stopped in mid-sentence, and watched in horror as Freddie's face morphed into the most hideous thing she'd ever seen…

Ok, back up. The most hideous thing she'd ever seen was probably Carly kissing Freddie, but I'm using a figure of speech, so…ok, I'll shut up.

At any rate, Mrs. Benson screamed.

There was a loud bang, and the door to the Benson apartment came crashing down.

"Holy s**t!" came a yell.

Freddie looked and growled. Standing in the broken doorway was Buffy Summers with a wooden stake in her hands.

"Do you have to break every door you go through?" Spencer asked from behind.

"Get away from her," Buffy said, ignoring Spencer.

Freddie shrugged. "Well, judging by the distance you are from here, it would take you 3 seconds to stake me, and it'll only take 2 to bite my mom. Now, logically speaking…"

He didn't finish. For at that moment Buffy was on him, with a stake right above his heart. The only thing that was stopping her was Freddie's arm.

"3 seconds too late," Buffy grunted.

"Once a nerd, always a nerd," Carly said, as she and Spencer ran to help Mrs. Benson, who was clearly in shock.

"Get her out of here," Buffy said. "I'm gonna dust this guy."

"Oh yeah?" Freddie said. "Says the girl who got dumped by that vamp with a soul."

"Never speak of it," Buffy grunted, trying hard to stake Freddie.

"But I will," Freddie replied. "And he killed so many slayers. He betrayed you."

Buffy made the biggest mistake ever. She briefly loosened her muscles.

Freddie took the opportunity. He bent Buffy's arm, then impaled her with her own stake. With Buffy in pain, he leapt through the window of his old apartment and flew down towards the sidewalk. There was a loud bang.

Carly ran over and looked out the broken window. "Could he die?"

"Nah," Buffy said, clutching her stomach. "Vamps can survive that kind of fall. Me, on the other hand…" she fell over onto a couch. "Can also survive impalement, but even advanced healing time hurts." And with that, she fainted.

"I think I'll take her to the living room, too," Spencer said. He grabbed Buffy's legs.

Carly rolled her eyes and helped Spencer.

* * *

><p>Freddie growled. He didn't know vampires could bleed.<p>

A girl named Nicole that Freddie knew from school walked up to him. "You ok?" she asked.

Freddie stood up. Nicole recoiled; Freddie still hadn't transformed into his regular face.

"Fine," Freddie said casually. "Just hungry." And then he was upon her.

* * *

><p><strong>I know the decision to make Freddie kill someone face-to-face is a bit controversial, but it defines who he has become.<strong>

**Anyway, what's your honest opinion of the story so far?**


	5. Lobby

"So…" Spencer said as everyone at on the couch in shock.

"Shut it," Carly said. "You're breaking the awkward silence."

"Nah, it was awkward to be silent," Buffy said.

Everyone looked at her.

"Hey, it's true," Buffy said, shrugging.

"Oh my god, my darling Freddie's a vampire," Mrs. Benson moaned.

"Nobody says 'darling' anymore," Buffy said.

"Well I can!" Mrs. Benson replied.

"I'm going downstairs to talk to Lewbert," Spencer said.

"You do that," Carly said.

* * *

><p>However, when Spencer arrived in the lobby, Lewbert was nowhere to be seen.<p>

"Lewbert?" he asked, looking around.

"HAH!" Lewbert yelled, jumping out from behind his desk with a cross in his hands.

"What?" Spencer yelled, falling back.

"You're a vampire, aren't you?" Lewbert asked, pulling out a stake.

Spencer sighed. He walked over to Lewbert and grabbed the cross

"See any smoke?" Spencer asked, letting go.

Lewbert sat down in disappointment.

"Listen, if you're gonna let anyone in, make them touch that cross first," Spencer said. "Freddie just came in, and he's a vamp."

"YOU MEAN THAT MIDGET WHO RUINED MY POSSIBLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS MOTHER IS A VAMPIRE?" Lewbert yelled.

"Yes," Spencer said, uncovering his ears.

"Oh," Lewbert said, sitting down.

"Eh, the relationship was downhill, anyway," Spencer replied, looking around.

"Oh gods," Lewbert said. "I let him in."

"Uh…" Spencer said. "Why don't I guard you while you take the sign down now?"

"Eh, good plan," Lewbert said, grabbing a hammer.

* * *

><p>As Lewbert pulled the sign off, Spencer looked around.<p>

"Hey, look, someone left a shoe on the sidewalk," Spencer said laughing. "With a leg attached to…" he paused in horror.

"What?" Lewbert asked as he pulled off the sign.

Spencer pulled him inside and grabbed a phone.

* * *

><p>"What's wrong?" Buffy yelled as she entered the lobby. Carly was with her.<p>

"There's a dead body on the sidewalk," Spencer said.

"Why didn't you go out and grab it?" Buffy asked.

"Because we don't want to become a cocktail for a vampire!" Lewbert groaned.

"Fair," Buffy said, nodding.

They walked outside.

"Oh my god, it's Nicole," Carly said.

"Who?"

"She's one of my classmates. Freddie went on a date with her last month."

Buffy looked at the body. "Does anyone have an ax?" she asked.

Lewbert ran inside and brought out a fire ax. Buffy raised the ax and chopped Nicole's head off.

"It's a good thing we got here early," Buffy said. "Wait about 24 hours, and she'll be a vampire."

"That's disgusting," Carly said, turning away.

"With luck, we might be able to help her," Buffy said.

"What do you mean?" Carly asked. "You can't bring her back to life!"

"I need to make a few calls," Buffy replied. "But I think I know what we're dealing with."


	6. Sharp

"What are we dealing with?" Carly asked as they ran into the Shay Apartment.  
>"There's an item called the Gem of Crowel," Buffy said. "It's a gem that's tied to the life force of vampires. Say a vampire were to swallow it. By dusting the vampire, it would destroy the gem as well, causing time to revert back to an hour before the vampire was turned. I guess the vampires didn't like the idea of being turned back into humans, so they stole the gem. After they stole the gem, there was a vampire uprising, and vampires have been taking over the cities of the country. I need to get the Gem back before they take over the entire world."<br>"Sounds easy," said Spencer.  
>"How?" asked Carly.<br>"How?" asked Buffy.  
>Spencer suddenly wished he'd been silent. "Well…we use some sort of tracking spell to find the gem. Once we find the gem, we track it down and take it."<br>"Go on," said Buffy.  
>"Then…" Spencer said slowly. "We grab some vampire that became a vamp before this vampire uprising, and make him swallow the gem before we stake him. Once this is done, we can all have milk and cookies to celebrate our victory."<br>"Seems simple enough," said Carly.  
>"Very simple," said Buffy. "But utterly impossible."<br>"Why?" asked Spencer.  
>"You're the wise guy," Carly said, looking at Spencer. "You figure it out."<br>Buffy smiled briefly, but stopped. "You see, a couple months ago, I destroyed this thing called "The Seed of Wonder." The Seed was tied to all magic. When I destroyed the seed, all magic ceased to exist. So we couldn't use a tracking spell to find the Gem of Crowel."  
>"How would the Gem work in the first place if it's magical?" Spencer asked.<br>"Well…" Buffy said. "It's really more scientifical. You see, the Gem of Crowel serves as a host for a wormhole. By releasing the wormhole, you suck the entire planet back in time to when the being it hosts last had their biggest change, in the case of vampires, changing from a human to a vampire."  
>"Say again?"<br>"Shut it, Spencer."  
>"Well…" Buffy said. "I seriously wanna help you guys, but there's been some stuff going on in California. I'm not supposed to be in Seattle. I'm a fugitive."<br>"What happened?"  
>"I'm on the run from the police," said Buffy. "Something happened a few months ago, and I'd rather not talk about it. I'll go look for the gem while I'm out there, but for now, you guys are on your own."<br>"Oh, sure," Spencer said sarcastically. "Big buffy hero…no pun intended…comes in, sees our problem, then realizes that she has other things to worry about and leaves us to the bad stuff. Classic story."  
>"That's the part where we handle things ourselves," said Carly. She had been sharpening a number 2 pencil the entire time.<br>Buffy glanced at the pencil. "You guys looks like you're covered," she said. "I gotta get going. The police will be here soon."  
>"Wait a minute," said Spencer. He grabbed Buffy and gave her a "passionate" kiss.<br>"Call me," Buffy said, walking out the door.  
>There was a bit of silence.<br>" 'Call me'?" Carly asked.  
>"What century does she think she's from?" Spencer added.<br>"Evidently, the 20th."

* * *

><p>Freddie took a deep drink. Then he swallowed.<br>"Don't be slow," said Grush. "If there's one thing that's not good, it's being slow."  
>"Hey, if we're gonna turn someone," said Freddie. "The best way is the slow way."<br>There was a loud screeching, and a window broke.  
>"Ah, you gotta be kidding me," said Freddie. "One vampire stop at an ice cream store, and the slayer…err, a slayer… shows up."<br>"Relax," said Buffy. "I'm only here to warn you."  
>"Why would I except a warning from you?" asked Freddie, raising an eyebrow. (How do vampires raise their eyebrows?)<br>"I think she's serious," said Grush.  
>"Your friends are coming for you," said Buffy. "And they'll stop at nothing to stop you."<br>"Thanks for the tip," said Freddie. "But why don't you stop me now to save them the trouble?"  
>"Because they're gonna use you for something," Buffy replied. "But, just because I'm not here to stake you doesn't mean I'm not here to stake anyone."<br>There was a strange sound, and a second later, all that was left of Grush was a pile of dust. Buffy had disappeared.  
>Freddie gave this some thought, and checked his watch. "Time for a nap," he said. "But you'd better watch out, because I'll be there to get rid of all of you." Of course, this was a bit inappropriate, because the iCarly gang obviously couldn't hear him.<p> 


	7. Dust

The next day, the two siblings out of their apartment and began walking towards the library.  
>"I don't like walking around after the whole problem with the vampires," Spencer said.<br>"Well, its daytime," said Carly. "And as long as it's daytime, the vampires can't hurt us. They're more likely to get hurt."  
>"So, how is going to the library gonna help us find the Gem of Crowel?" asked Spencer.<br>"I'm not sure," said Carly. "But I bet the Ancient History section can shed some light on where we can find it."  
>Spencer suddenly felt a strange feeling in his gut. "Say, Carly?" he asked. "Do you think we could stop and buy some wooden stakes? I have a feeling we're gonna need them."<br>"You always want to get some things out of nowhere," Carly grumbled. "But ok."

* * *

><p>They were directed into the stacks of the library: these were where all the ancient history stories and such were kept.<br>"Hey, check this out," said Spencer, showing Carly one of the pictures.  
>Carly grimaced. "Put that back on the shelf," she groaned.<br>Spencer shrugged. "You know what just occurred to me?"  
>"What?"<br>"There aren't any windows in this section of the library."  
>Carly looked around. "You're right," she said. "If any vampire were to attack us, here would be a good place."<br>Spencer fingered through the books. He finally came across one.  
>"Magical Gems," he read. "The Gem of Crowel is a magical gem. It is said to house a wormhole inside of it. If one were to make a vampire swallow it and then dust the vampire, time would rewind to one hour before that vampire was turned."<br>"We know that already," said Carly. "Skip to the next part."  
>"Well…" said Spencer. "It says here 'The gem was last spotted in Bat Guano Mine near Mount St. Helens…' Ew… 'Unfortunately, the mine entrance was closed up following the eruption of Mount St. Helens in the '80s, and the Gem hasn't been seen since.' So if we want to find that gem, we're gonna need to start digging."<br>"Don't look at me," said Carly. "You used up all the shovels for your last project."  
>"It was a shovel robot!" Spencer complained.<br>"That didn't work."  
>"Well, at least the head still works!"<br>"Oh yeah? Where is the head?"  
>"I can't find it. That's why it works!"<br>Carly rolled her eyes. She took the book and began walking through the stacks back into the main library.  
>Suddenly, she stopped.<br>"Shh," she whispered to Spencer.  
>"I didn't say anything!" he said loudly.<br>"If you didn't say anything before, why say something now when I said shh?!"  
>"Because you're always telling me what to do!"<br>"You're 30 years old and the last girl you dated turned out to be a vampire! I think you need some direction! And why am I still talking to you? Shush!"  
>This time, Spencer was wise enough to shut up. Carly held up her hand. She pointed to something moving behind the stacks.<br>Spencer held up his wooden stake. They tip-toed to the edge of the bookcase and looked around the corner.  
>"Ah, not again," Carly grumbled. The librarian who had guided them to the stacks was being drunk by a vampire.<br>"Hey, idiot!" Spencer called.  
>The vampire looked up, annoyed. "What?" it asked.<br>"Hi," Spencer said. For at that moment he had leaped forward and dusted the vampire right then and there.  
>Carly grabbed the librarian, who was unconscious, and dragged her with them out of the stacks. They ran through the library, bewildering several patrons. Soon, they managed to get out.<br>"That was too close for comfort," Spencer said. He then looked behind them and nearly seized up.  
>The librarian who they had somewhat rescued from the vampire was no more: all that was left was a pile of dust.<br>"Those vampires will be going back where they belong when I get a hold of them," Carly muttered.


	8. Gibby

They reentered the apartment carrying a heck of a lot of shopping bags.

"So, let me get this straight," Spencer said. "We're gonna just…LET…Freddie in here?!"

"Why not?" Carly asked as she began throwing various doohickeys from the shopping bags into a duffel bag. "If we can capture him, we can hold him until we find the gem, and all's well that ends well."

"And what if it doesn't end well?!" Spencer complained.

Carly opened her mouth. No words came out. She just continued packing.

"So, what exactly are you planning with this whole thing?" he asked.

"Live bait," Carly replied.

"Nice…HEY!"

"Relax, it's not gonna be you. It's gonna be someone who tends to be annoying enough they will provoke a vampire into chasing them."

* * *

><p>"Gibbeh."<p>

Freddie had been roaming the streets of Seattle for hours. One of his flunkies had been killed by Carly and Spencer, and he wasn't ready to go down without a fight.

Also, he couldn't remember where Bushwell Plaza was after falling out of the window, so he was now searching for it. He figured it shouldn't be hard enough to find a 14 story building in Seattle. And it especially wasn't hard to be surprised by a big boned kid with spikey hair.  
>"You," he grunted.<p>

"Where?" Gibby asked, looking around. "Oh, you mean me, right. HI!"

"Why are you out in the dark?" Freddie growled. "Don't you know how dangerous it is to be out on a night like this."

"Dude, lose the 'tude," Gibby said. "I'm just here because I figured you needed to be annoyed."

"No," Freddie replied slyly. "I need to be fed." His face transformed and he charged.

"Cowabunga!" Gibby yelled as he darted down the street towards Bushwell Plaza.

* * *

><p>Gibby made it to the apartment door. "Open up!" he called. "He's on the stairs!"<p>

"Wait, how do I know you're not a vampire?" Spencer called.

"Just let him in!" Carly called in reply.

The door opened and Gibby ran in. Seconds later, Freddie ran up and was nearly thrown backwards from the force of the door stopping him.

"Let me in!" he growled. "I'm hungry! And vengeful! And a lot of other things that may or may not have something to do with me now being a blood-sucking vampire!"

"Of course!" Carly replied. "Come on in!"

Freddie was surprised. "Really?" he asked. "Ok." He strolled into the apartment. And was almost immediately covered by a huge cage.

"Made entirely out of iron!" Spencer called, noticing Freddie's shocked look that implied "I'm in a cage!"

"Smart," Freddie said with a sly grin. "Very smart. Except I'm wearing gloves."

He took out his hands and grabbed hold of the bars and pushed them open.

"Ah, crab," Carly muttered. She nudged Gibby. "I'd seriously recommend going upstairs now," she whispered. Gibby nodded and made a mad dash.

"Get the bag," Carly whispered to Spencer.

"You said that was for emergencies!" Spencer whispered back.

"THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!" Carly yelled.

Spencer made a dash for the duffel bag sitting on the kitchen counter. Carly turned to look at him. Suddenly, she felt something running towards her and ducked. Freddie went flying over her and into the kitchen.

Spencer popped up. "I have the cross!" he said excitedly. The he noticed what was standing in front of him. "Umm…" he muttered.

Freddie grinned and jumped on Spencer and bit down on his neck. Spencer yelped. And he tried to make a dash for it.

"Hold still, you nuthead!" Freddie snapped as he was dragged into the living room.

Carly ran to the duffel bag and felt around.

Spencer new if he waited any longer, he would become a vampire. Cross in hand, he slammed it against Freddie's forehead.

"Gah!" Freddie growled, releasing his grip. He stumbled onto the floor.

Spencer, still slightly woozy, stepped back.

"You'll pay for this!" Freddie yelled. He made a dash for Spencer.

"Duck!" Carly yelled.

Spencer looked up. "Where?"

"I mean get down!"

Spencer ducked. Freddie tripped over him, made a tumble…and felt something wooden pierce his heart.

He looked up. Carly had been standing there with a stake in hand. She stared at him with a look of sadness.

"What…" Freddie began to say as he turned to dust.

Carly lowered the stake and collapsed onto a chair, sighing.

Spencer stood up. "You alright?" he asked after a moment.

Carly didn't say anything. She just stared at the pile of dust on the floor.


	9. The End

"I guess that's it, then," Carly muttered as she sat on the couch. "We can't do anything now."

Spencer picked up a leftover steak. "Umm…what should I do with this?" he asked.

"Just throw it away," Carly replied. "Who knows what we would do with it now?"

Spencer shrugged and took a bite out of it. "Hey, it's still good!" he commented.

Carly rolled her eyes.

Gibby came down from the stairs. "I was just on the phone with Buffy," he said. "She gave me some info in exchange for me hanging up. Anyways, she said one of her contacts told her that there was something weird going on in New Jersey. Something about a vampire uprising being organized by someone currently based in Seattle but moving in a few days. Apparently, this vampire is known as the Caller. She asked us to do some hunting, see if we can find any info about this Caller."

"You guys go on out," Carly said. "I need to do some thinking."

Spencer shrugged and opened the door. "Oh, hi, Sam," he said.

Sam smiled. "Is Carls in here?"

Spencer pointed behind him. Gibby followed him out.

"Can we stop by Inside Out Burger?" Gibby called.

"Yeah!" Spencer replied. "I heard they have an all new French fry recipe! Vampire's blood!"

Sam stared in their direction, shrugged, and closed the door. She walked to the couch and sat down next to Carly.

"You alright?" she asked.

"Yeah, I guess so," Carly replied. "It's just…Freddie, and his…"

"Yeah, I heard," Sam replied. "But don't fret about it…"

* * *

><p>Spencer and Gibby passed by a video store. Spencer noticed a news report about something on one of the TV screens. Something about an attack a vampire attack at the Seattle Medical Hospital.<p>

He ran back, horrified. "Oh no!" he shouted. Right there on the screen was a picture of the vampire that had started the attack. He started running back towards Bushwell Plaza.

"What is it?!" Gibby yelled as he ran after Spencer.

"I need to warn Carly!" Spencer screamed.

* * *

><p>Carly looked at her hands. "There's one thing I can't understand," she said. "I mean, you two were the only people in that alleyway. Who could have sired Freddie? And moreover, who the hell is the Caller?"<p>

She turned to look at Sam. She needed the support of a friend.

She jumped back, horrified. Sam's face had changed: two fangs sticking out of her mouth, and a horrid shape covering her eyes.

"Oh, I don't know," Sam said, grinning. "Me?" And she then she lunged straight towards Carly's neck…

* * *

><p><strong>Alright, I admit that it took a heck of a long time for this to be finished. So long, in fact, that iCarly actually ended and thus made this story pretty much incapable of actually happening in-universe. But this isn't the last you've seen of vampires and iCarly. Join me in the near future for a new story that will resolve all that happens here...<strong>

**-UberVenkman**


End file.
